Once again, God-fearing patriotic men are fighting to take away women’s rights to abortion and birth control in order to preserve the fabric of America. And as we all know, the fabric of America is woven from our collective ability to get married and procreate.
That’s why they want to abolish anything that could prevent little human beings from being pushed screaming into the world.
But I say they’re not doing enough to safeguard the expansion of that beloved cotton. After all, they’re not looking at the whole picture. Getting women to stop cock-blocking the point of entry is only half the problem. Let’s not forget all the potential unborn children floating in the funny sacs men carry between their legs. So what can men do to help keep America strong and (our) God smiling?
Let’s institute a new law: The Patriotic Penis Family Planning Law.
First, since sex should only be used for procreation, we – as one proud nation – better make sure the only men having sex are ones that can actually have children.
So let’s implement a mandatory annual sperm count for boys (pubescent and older) and men. To provide samples, the patient wears a paper gown that opens in the front, signs into a cold hospital room with florescent lighting and fishing magazines and will not be allowed to leave until he’s filled a cup in front of a camera that streams live into the female doctor’s office.
Since internal damage can also be a cause of low sperm count, the patient will also undergo a mandatory comprehensive annual testing of all associated pathways. This will include a scrotal ultrasound, transrectal ultrasound, testicular biopsy and a scope inserted into the eye of the one eyed monster. To ensure the most accurate diagnosis, these procedures will be done simultaneously.
In addition to counting the swimmers and testing the lanes, the patient’s DNA will be recorded. All results will be logged into a nation-wide data system and posted on the website www.SinkOrSwim.com.
Good Seeders – men with a sufficient sperm count – are free to have sex only once they are married and only when their wife is ovulating. With 20 – 40 million sperm per ejaculate (per milliliter), imagine the possibilities for American familial growth!
To ensure that every sacred seed is deposited only into the patient’s wife’s lawfully wedded vagina, every fertile man must wear a penis bracelet (The Penislet™). Armed with samples of both spouses’ DNA, The Penislet™ can easily detect any indiscretion, including the absence of another human being. When anti-American sex occurs, the device will constrict quickly, keeping chromosomal fish safe until the patient calls his priest… who may or may not also be his doctor. She will be the only person who can control The Penislet™.
Crafty Good Seeders (aka “Greeders”) who manage to father children outside of wedlock will be subject to immediate paternity tests once the baby is born, using the DNA gathered during their annual exam. Financial, physical and emotional obligations will be enforced via an implanted epidermal microchip that detects all such interaction with the patient’s offspring. Greeders who do not fulfill all parental obligations will be subject to the same fate as The Emasculates.
Men diagnosed with an insufficient sperm count will be known as The Emasculates (aka The Blank Shooters). They will not be allowed to ever have sex, since they cannot father children, and must be stopped from subversively stealing the time (and elasticity) of unsuspecting fertile women. Therefore, A Blank Shooter must have his penis removed.
Conducted with compassion, the procedure will retain a urethral pathway through a small hole next to the place where the testicles used to be.
And although none of these procedures will be covered by insurance, men will understand that they have an important role in the very fabric of our awesome nation, which will finally be allowed to grow until we burst its very seams.
Men who are blessed as Good Seeders must save up their sperm for the sole purpose of fathering children with their American-born wives. They’ll understand there is glory in this patriotic sacrifice. They’ll finally appreciate that their bodies are not really their own; they are ours and we must use them in the way that we – as one nation under God – know to be the right, the only, the most God-fearing, American way.
Also learn more about the leader of the war on women, Rick Santorum, here.