America: The Procreation Nation

Feb 17
2012

Once again, God-fearing patriotic men are fighting to take away women’s rights to abortion and birth control in order to preserve the fabric of America. And as we all know, the fabric of America is woven from our collective ability to get married and procreate.

That’s why they want to abolish anything that could prevent little human beings from being pushed screaming into the world.

But I say they’re not doing enough to safeguard the expansion of that beloved cotton. After all, they’re not looking at the whole picture. Getting women to stop cock-blocking the point of entry is only half the problem. Let’s not forget all the potential unborn children floating in the funny sacs men carry between their legs. So what can men do to help keep America strong and (our) God smiling?

Let’s institute a new law:  The Patriotic Penis Family Planning Law.

First, since sex should only be used for procreation, we – as one proud nation – better make sure the only men having sex are ones that can actually have children.

So let’s implement a mandatory annual sperm count for boys (pubescent and older) and men. To provide samples, the patient wears a paper gown that opens in the front, signs into a cold hospital room with florescent lighting and fishing magazines and will not be allowed to leave until he’s filled a cup in front of a camera that streams live into the female doctor’s office.

Since internal damage can also be a cause of low sperm count, the patient will also undergo a mandatory comprehensive annual testing of all associated pathways. This will include a scrotal ultrasound, transrectal ultrasound, testicular biopsy and a scope inserted into the eye of the one eyed monster. To ensure the most accurate diagnosis, these procedures will be done simultaneously.

In addition to counting the swimmers and testing the lanes, the patient’s DNA will be recorded. All results will be logged into a nation-wide data system and posted on the website www.SinkOrSwim.com.

Good Seeders – men with a sufficient sperm count – are free to have sex only once they are married and only when their wife is ovulating. With 20 – 40 million sperm per ejaculate (per milliliter), imagine the possibilities for American familial growth!

To ensure that every sacred seed is deposited only into the patient’s wife’s lawfully wedded vagina, every fertile man must wear a penis bracelet (The Penislet™). Armed with samples of both spouses’ DNA, The Penislet™ can easily detect any indiscretion, including the absence of another human being. When anti-American sex occurs, the device will constrict quickly, keeping chromosomal fish safe until the patient calls his priest… who may or may not also be his doctor. She will be the only person who can control The Penislet™.

Crafty Good Seeders (aka “Greeders”) who manage to father children outside of wedlock will be subject to immediate paternity tests once the baby is born, using the DNA gathered during their annual exam. Financial, physical and emotional obligations will be enforced via an implanted epidermal microchip that detects all such interaction with the patient’s offspring. Greeders who do not fulfill all parental obligations will be subject to the same fate as The Emasculates.

Men diagnosed with an insufficient sperm count will be known as The Emasculates (aka The Blank Shooters). They will not be allowed to ever have sex, since they cannot father children, and must be stopped from subversively stealing the time (and elasticity) of unsuspecting fertile women. Therefore, A Blank Shooter must have his penis removed.

Conducted with compassion, the procedure will retain a urethral pathway through a small hole next to the place where the testicles used to be.

And although none of these procedures will be covered by insurance, men will understand that they have an important role in the very fabric of our awesome nation, which will finally be allowed to grow until we burst its very seams.

Men who are blessed as Good Seeders must save up their sperm for the sole purpose of fathering children with their American-born wives. They’ll understand there is glory in this patriotic sacrifice. They’ll finally appreciate that their bodies are not really their own; they are ours and we must use them in the way that we – as one nation under God – know to be the right, the only, the most God-fearing, American way.

***

Sound ridiculously invasive? So does this proposed bill. And this one.

Also learn more about the leader of the war on women, Rick Santorum, here.

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48 Responses to “America: The Procreation Nation”

  1. Jon says:

    Robin, tell us what you really think 😉

    I think that Monty Python said it very well as well: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=U0kJHQpvgB8

    Oh, and by the way, by eliminating *all* forms of birth control, those folks have of course enforced abstinence as the only way to prevent STDs too.

  2. betty malicoat says:

    BRAVO!!! This lovely plan must begin with male politicians. Conservatives first.

  3. Tanky says:

    BAM. You should rename your blog "BAM!" because every time I read your fiery, pointed, poli-hum posts I squeal "BAM!!!"

  4. Jennifer says:

    I had heard about the ultrasound requirement, but it did not occur to me what type it had to be. I should have known. As someone who had an ectopic pregnancy (which had to be terminated and wasn't I grateful I had that choice – rather than die), my subsequent pregnancies required that I undergo that type of ultrasound to ensure everything was OK. It is one of the most uncomfortable and humiliating exams I have ever endured, despite the fact that the test gave me peace of mind that the fetus was where it should be. What a horrible, horrible thing to endure because of a law.

    What hypocrites.

    I say, "Don't tread on me!"

  5. Alfi says:

    As one who has (as you know) followed politics for a long time, I'm astounded that the Republicans, who should be running the table in the current campaign, provide such opportunities (I almost said openings) to be labeled as demented.

  6. Alfi says:

    Back in the Dark Ages, when I was in college, I read Jonathan Swift's "A Modest Proposal," to which I here post a link. If your ancestors hadn't come from a place other than the UK, I would suggest a direct line from that to your effort here.
    http://www.art-bin.com/art/omodest.html

  7. guest says:

    This is great!!! Deserves to be made expanded into a book, like "1984" or the Handmaiden's or "The Handmaiden's Tale".

  8. Jennifer says:

    You and Colbert. Just where I thought satire was dead in this country.

  9. Jennifer says:

    Aaaand by where I meant when.

  10. Claire says:

    Alas, I think many men will rush to sign up for the part where "he’s filled a cup in front of a camera that streams live into the female doctor’s office."

    Maybe instead of all the tests and emasculations they need to make the male partner be the one to abort the fetus, then he has to stare at it for a really long time before he buries it (with appropriate religious service). This will ensure that he too will not suffer "severe depression" and “regrets” if he is not made to understand the implications of what he has done.

    Welcome to the 1600s!

  11. Mariah says:

    Thank you, Robin, for writing this Swiftian response to the sexist/oppressive bill that was proposed and ultimately defeated in Virginia. Unfortunately, my own home state of Pennsylvania has now decided to follow suit and introduce a similar bill, so it seems the topic remains frighteningly relevant. This is not about religion, it never has been. It is entirely about sexism and the control and regulation of a woman’s body. If it was about religion, we would be living in a theocracy, and while it may feel like we are at times, technically we are not. The first amendment guarantees us that the state (Federal or otherwise) shall not adopt or implement any religion whatsoever. When people use religion as the basis of an anti-choice argument, they have already lost said argument because this lovely first amendment has guaranteed us the separation of church and state. Your religion is not my religion, as an Agnostic I can assure you of that. Therefore, your religious-based argument is invalid.

    (More to come…)

  12. Andrew says:

    How there is debate over who has rights to their own body is beyond me… Women should always have the right to choose what to do with their own bodies, even if it has to do with terminating something or preventing something their body creates.

  13. @euylavie says:

    This could be internationally executed and now we know what can replace wedding rings in the future—aptly, for the men. The woman's ring could be the execution device mentioned. Oh this could be a revolution!

  14. Ernie says:

    Dear blogger

    It's Ernie again. I loved your latest post, but… I think your use of lanugage is too vulgar (maybe you were raised that way) and I don't want to change your writing style, but can you please go clean?

    Thanks, just a suggestion.

  15. Ernie says:

    Hi, I just saw that my child's parental controls suggests that your blog contains pronography… I'm sorry, I cannot subscribe to this…

    This is not to put you down, but to let you know, I'm a devout Christian, and this is way out of my league.

    PS: You're such a talented writer, don't burry that, or use that for bad.

  16. a good penis says:

    boy am i happy my sperm count is high as ever lol.

    but addressing the post, i have never understood why religious people would want to force women into keeping a baby they dont want. Because if they dont want it then its going to be alot more harder to raise that child with real love.

  17. Guest says:

    That's awesome! I love the Patriotic Penis Proposal! I'm sure Rush Limbaugh will be the first to sign up.

  18. Jessica says:

    Abortion is not a good thing. It is type of murder. But sometimes woman is helpless, they have no another choice. Abortion is last way for them. So that, abortion is not bad always. Thanks for sharing this post.

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