Four Words I Never Thought I’d Say

Mar 30
2013

I once covered my concrete cubicle at a soul-crushing job in red construction paper. The fluorescent lights and white walls were emotionally debilitating. The eternal power point presentations defeated me. Office gossip dulled the once-sharp edges of my brain.

Hence the red construction paper. It was a desperate move in self-stimulation.

Although it paid the bills in between acting gigs, after ten years in the corporate world, and this particular company for four, my general life enjoyment was simply shot.

Because My Mommy Said So

May 13
2012

It was the biggest decision of my life and I didn’t want to blow it.

I sat cross-legged on the old yellow carpet in my bedroom, surrounded by college applications. Notes were crammed into every margin available in “The College Book,” the bible for high schoolers looking for general outlines of schools across the nation. My father had taken me on several road trips to visit countless schools, during which I had taken more copious notes. Now the applications lurked around me like a sea of sharks and my notes were kelp to my need for a lifeboat.

America: The Procreation Nation

Feb 17
2012

Once again, God-fearing patriotic men are fighting to take away women’s rights to abortion and birth control in order to preserve the fabric of America. And as we all know, the fabric of America is woven from our collective ability to get married and procreate.

That’s why they want to abolish anything that could prevent little human beings from being pushed screaming into the world.

Reality By Appointment

Nov 15
2011

Hulking under huge instruments, the cameramen moved like awkward aliens with no social boundaries. They shifted their focus rapidly without regard to personal space, blinding their subjects with large lights. Every time they approached, I attempted to shrink my 5’2” frame into something even smaller. I tried to be as uninteresting as possible. But most of the party guests were speaking loudly, exaggerating their reactions and even seemed to laugh harder – an odd sound to hear at a small charity benefit.

College Reunions & Problem Buckets

Jun 07
2011

I won’t be traveling 3,000 miles to Saratoga Springs this month to tempt nostalgia at my 20-year college reunion. To think I graduated two decades ago is as perplexing as the fact that skinny jeans and boyfriend blazers with rolled up cuffs are considered fashion-forward again.

Since I won’t be visiting my renovated alma mater, I’ll miss out on clinking martini glasses while reminiscing with former classmates about how much Coors Light out of a keg tasted like stale urine.

The Erroneous Errors of Eros: A Modern Day Fairy Tale

Apr 24
2011

Once upon a time there was a man and a woman who fell madly in love. Although nothing was ever perfect, not even them, they decided to stay together anyway. Their good qualities outweighed the flaws and that was reason enough to spend the rest of their lives together. Man and woman. Male and female. The way it was meant to be, just like all the movies, TV shows, books and their friends said it was.

One day, they met a homosexual couple and called them an abomination of nature.

Temporary Asshole

Jan 25
2011

I told someone off yesterday. Someone I care about and want to keep in my life. But I had been complaining about this person for days and I finally couldn’t take it any longer. I sat down and let my fingers fly on my keyboard. I type 70 words per minute; I was surprised I didn’t start a small fire.

Five Foot Two And Still Sane

Nov 08
2010

Right in the middle of the Rally To Restore Sanity, I wanted to tell someone off.

We had gotten to the mall two hours early to ensure a decent spot and settled near the beginning of the middle (insert political joke here) where the Jumbotrons were in view for anyone over 5’6”.  D.C. (my boyfriend, not the city) could see the screens clearly, but I spent much of the 3 hours either on my toes or wavering from right to left (insert flip-flopping joke here) to catch the ever-shifting sweet spot between people that gave me a hand’s width view of either screen.

Dirty Money

Oct 07
2010

High School. Course title: Mass Media. It sounded cold, like a rusty steel gate. It made me think of chewing tinfoil. It just plain turned me off.

But then we were given assignments to create cool logos in colored pencil, write dialogue for clothing commercials or come up with silly journalistic headlines (Walrus Invades School; Becomes Principal!) and my little creative light was fired up. (Anyone born in the 80’s take note: there was no Internet. Yes, I swear. No Internet. Now move on.)

Butt Holes, Ice Cream and Why I’ll Never Say I Do

Sep 23
2010

I’m a freak.  According to society, that is.  And society won’t let me forget how different I am. As one side of a happily committed two-gender couple that isn’t married, I don’t fall neatly into one of the labeled mental boxes that most people carry around with them.  Instead, my man and I are subjected to a persistent prejudice against people who can get married but choose not to.

Heavy word, “prejudice”.  But consider that it comes from “pre-judgement” and that’s all I mean.