Temporary Asshole

Jan 25

I told someone off yesterday. Someone I care about and want to keep in my life. But I had been complaining about this person for days and I finally couldn’t take it any longer. I sat down and let my fingers fly on my keyboard. I type 70 words per minute; I was surprised I didn’t start a small fire.

I told this person just how mean and arrogant and selfish and devoid of compassion they were and that I wondered what had happened to them. I made up new swear words. I called them names and furiously gave them my armchair analysis of why their whole personality had seemed to change lately. I flipped them off electronically, letting my fingers smash against the keys. Eventually, I told them that yes, I was trying to hurt them just as much as they had hurt me recently but ultimately, I was telling them all of this in the hopes that they would come to their senses and stop being such a fucking asshole.

I’m not going to lie; it felt good. After 17 minutes, I sat back, exhausted but as cool as the cup of tea I hadn’t touched since I started typing. I felt…better.

And then I did something really, really unusual.

I didn’t send it.

I realize that may take a moment to process.

Why not send it?  After all, we have so many different ways to tell someone they’re an asshole. I could have texted them – using strangely bastardized language like “ur” and “fing ahole.”  I could have tweeted them, just writing asshole over and over until I hit 140 characters. I could have posted on their Facebook page and let all 1,423 of their friends see exactly what I thought of this person and tried to get all of them to agree with me. I could have just as easily sent an email; I could have cut and pasted from Word into an email and hit “send.”  I could have.  I easily could have.

But I didn’t. Why? Because then I would have been a fucking asshole too.

And yet, plenty of people let their thoughts fly unguarded out of their head and into the virtual world because the means to do so are so darn accessible. Much like the plastic trinkets you don’t need but still buy because they are placed near the register in a store – impulse buys, as they’re called – all the actions we don’t necessarily need to take are at our fingertips 24 hours a day.

Don’t like what someone’s posted on their Facebook page? Call them a name and feel the pleasure in the mouse click. When people disagree with you, call them names. Repeat until you are dropped as a Facebook friend.

Religious or political tweet challenge your own beliefs? Spew a vitriolic tweet back without a second thought.

Someone in your inner circle hurt your feelings?  Text them.  Instant Message them.  Open up that email program letting your pain and anger lead the way and then hit “send” before you can say I wonder if I should send this.

I’m not talking about public figures. I’m not talking about anonymous strangers.

I’m talking about you and me.  Our impulses are having a field day with our keyboards. We seem to have forgotten how to take a step back, especially if we’re fuming.

Without that step back, we all have the potential to become a temporary asshole.

Unadulterated thoughts are the equivalent of your Id and Ego having wild, violent sex in the middle of the freeway. They are shocking, disturbing and create nothing but a ripple effect of pain and chaotic response.

And the Internet is their pimp.

I’m not saying we should bury our emotions or avoid productive disagreements. But if we’re interested in maintaining certain relationships, we need to remember how to actually communicate instead of just reacting.

Hurling an email or Facebook post or IM or text at someone in the heat of any blinding emotion is the same as punching them in the face. It’s not going to get the other person to understand you on a deeper level, it’s going to get you a bloody nose.

Perhaps it’s better to wait for your Id and Ego to stop their barbarous coupling before you try to have a conversation.

In other words, like those trinkets at the store, just because the impulse pimps are there doesn’t mean we have to use them.

There was a time when, if you wanted to tell someone off without confronting them directly, you had to write a letter. You had to throw your Id and Ego up against each other on the page, exalting in the freedom of fiery spit. But then all the steps you had to go through – folding the letter, sticking it in the envelope, licking of the bitter glue, checking the address, finding a frigging stamp and getting to a mailbox – made you think twice about what you had written.  Sealing your words into a paper capsule was like compressing their power into a bomb that would go off when the reader ripped it open. A bomb you could never diffuse.

You had more time to think about the consequences. Much more time than the nanosecond it takes to slide your mouse over an onscreen button. And so The Letter You Never Send evolved. It was a letter that was so emotionally satisfying to write, that you didn’t need it to blow up in the other person’s face.

So. I wrote that letter. And I know that with time, I’ll find a way to talk to the object of my derision without my Id & Ego flashing their wares like cheap whores.

(If you were born after 1987, none of that made sense.  Go ask your parents what a “letter” is.)

I propose we reinstate The Letter You Never Send.  We don’t have to call it a letter.  To encompass all the online inanities, we can call it The Electronic Punch You Never Send. We can teach it to our kids, who don’t understand the concept of not sending words into the ether and as a result, have highly-honed impulse skills and crumbling communication censors.

Because the bottom line is this: if you fall prey to the impulse pimp constantly, hitting “send” over and over like an addict, it’s harder to prove you’re just a temporary asshole.


33 Responses to “Temporary Asshole”

  1. Doña Oxford says:

    Of course, now all of your friends are wondering if they are the 'asshole' and what they did that pissed you off so much!!! Nice mind fuck, thanks!!! 😉 lol

  2. Robin Dale Meyers says:

    Those who have no reason to wonder, will not wonder. 🙂 Plus, the target of my secret verbal vomit probably doesn\’t read my blog. So consider yourself safe.

  3. Turner says:

    Interesting blog post – I was thinking recently of a simple misunderstanding that came up on a FB chat session….just simple confusion, that spiraled into a weird dialog….so I told them I was calling – and once on the phone, all was set straight. This disconected-ness is scaring me….

  4. Robin Dale Meyers says:

    Exactly, Turner. If we stop to think and then use our phones as actual phones, we might avoid the majority of our miscommunications.

  5. Jen says:

    I knew it wasn't me, but then I got worried that THAT meant it was me.

    Anyway, a sure sign of maturity is not sending that email. What are you doing, Robin, growing up?

  6. Robin Dale Meyers says:

    Indeed, I am growing up, Ms. PoopyHead.

  7. Donaco says:

    Reminds me, Robin…. I've been meaning to tell you something.

  8. Donaco says:


  9. Jon says:

    As a longstanding geek, I was on the internet sending Email in something like1988. I learned awfully fast that when online communication gets amped up, it's time to switch to the phone or even in person.

    Though Facebook does have nice, simple features like not accepting posts, no posting to others or even the extreme "unfriending" of someone.

    Did you unfriend this person, Robin? C'mon, you can tell us!

  10. Robin Dale Meyers says:

    Yes, FB does have some nice features. As do blogs. And you can always block an email address.

    Sorry…the mystery person shall remain a mystery! At least until I punch them in the face in person – I mean, talk to them in a quiet, thoughtful manner.

  11. D.C. Douglas says:

    Excellent post. Some great poetic lines in there. Love the letter bomb imagery.

  12. tregarde says:

    Hm. I did something similar over New Year's Eve, but in person and a bottle of Jack Daniels was involved. Apparently the brain-mouth connection was stuck permanently on "Post". I think I'm driving next year.

  13. Robin Dale Meyers says:

    As it happens, tregarde, studies do show a direct correlation between blood alcohol level and an inability to control both one\’s mouth and mouse. So you\’re not alone.

  14. vivian oxford says:

    Applause Applause… Interesting … I'll be watching you.

  15. REfan says:

    First of all, let me just say that I love this. (Found through DC Douglas' blog.)

    Secondly, I'm fairly sure that "prior to 1987" wasn't quite what you meant to say there– but it's amusing nonetheless, because I understand the importance and feeling that goes into letters, and I was born a few years after that 🙂

  16. Robin Dale Meyers says:

    First of all, thanks for reading REfan! Secondly, I did mean prior to 1987…because I was born way before that and I assure you that you\’re the anomaly in your generation. I\’m elder; trust me when I say it used to be unacceptable to type with just your thumbs. 🙂

  17. OWildeman says:

    D'oh! Should have read this first BEFORE I went through my e-mail. [wink] Great perspective.

  18. Jon says:

    All very well said, Robin. I've deleted any number of Emails That Should Not Be over the years. Now I often just ask myself, "What do I hope to accomplish with this?" Then I reflect on the Buddhist tenet of "Right Speech".

    I do hope you can resolve things with this person. Sometimes that's possible, but unfortunately sometimes people just grow (or degenerate) into weird and incompatible places.

  19. Scottret says:

    Предлагаем полностью рабочее ПО/We offer a ready solution for ERGOSOFT POSTERPRINT 14.1 ALL MODULES (CRACK – Dongle emulator/Custom license/Patch). Полная поддержка наших решений. Тестирование перед оплатой/Full support for our solutions. Testing before payment. Контакты/Contacts: nodongle24 /@/ gmail.com (remove spaces and /)

    Hasp H3 Dongle Emulator, Hardlock Dongle Emulator, P-Sea Aka Unikey Dongle Emulator, Wibu Wibukey Dongle Emulator, Tinyhid Dongle Emulator, Wibu Codemeter Dongle Emulator, Keylock 2 Dongle Emulator, Actikey Dongle Emulator, buy, Guardant Stealth III Dongle Emulator, Senselock Basic Dongle Emulator, Enky Sl Hid Dongle Emulator, Guardant Sign Dongle Emulator, Hardlock Dongle Emulator, Sentinel Pro Dongle Emulator.

  20. DanielLouri says:

    кредит 50000 рублей – кредит 5000 – oformitkredit.ru, кредит наличными 25000 рублей.

  21. AndrewNub says:

    Имеется такая услуга – добровольное медицинское обслуживание (или ДМО).
    Она предполагает, что вы вносите небольшую сумму за то, что посещает врачей в течение года бесплатно.
    Однако опросы показывают, что лишь 4% жителей Санкт-Петербурга знают о такой услуге.
    Почему так происходит?
    Да потому что частным клиникам намного выгодней брать плату за каждое посещение.
    А если честный врач попытается рассказать про добровольное медицинское обслуживание клиенту – это сулит ему увольнением.
    Информация о ДМО уже спровоцировала множество возмущений, сразу после того как информацию об услуге распространил один возмущенный врач.
    Его уволили “по собственному желанию”, после того, как он предложил ДМО постоянному клиенту.
    Самое невероятное, что информация по ДМО есть в открытом доступе, просто натыкались на эту информацию единицы.
    Как отстоять свои права?
    О правилах оказания услуги и обязанностях частных клиник можно узнать, просто вбив в Яндекс фразу: “добровольное медицинское обслуживание”.
    И именно обслуживание, а не страхование.


  22. WilbertMak says:

    курс валют на дату – курс валют онлайн, курс доллара сша.

  23. GalenEmams says:

    Есть такая услуга – добровольное медицинское обслуживание .
    Она предполагает, что вы вносите небольшую сумму за абонемент и посещает врачей целый год не платя за каждый прием.
    Однако соцопросы показывают, что лишь 3% жителей Санкт-Петербурга знают о такой услуге.
    Да потому что частным клиникам намного выгодней брать плату за каждый визит.
    А если какой-нибудь сотрудник клиники попытается рассказать про добровольное медицинское обслуживание клиенту – это сулит ему увольнением.
    Информация о ДМО уже вызвала кучу скандалов, после того как информацию об этом распространил один врач.
    Его уволили “по собственному желанию”, после того, как он предложил ДМО постоянному клиенту.
    Самое невероятное, что информация по ДМО присутствуют в открытом доступе, просто натыкались на эту информацию единицы.
    Как отстоять свои права?
    О правилах предоставления такой услуги и обязанностях клиник можно узнать, сделав запрос в Яндексе: “добровольное медицинское обслуживание”.
    Обязательно обслуживание, а не страхование.


  24. Arnedjaken says:

    Отсутствие личного транспорта, не взирая на наличие водительских прав универсального международного стандарта, считается распространенной проблемой россиян, которые приехали в столицу Объединенных Арабских Эмиратов на отпуск или с целью заключения бизнес-сделок. Практически никто не знает, но автовладельцам из РФ, также как и жителям западных стран, доступна такая услуга как авто на прокат в дубае .

    Мы предлагаем вам посетить официальный сайт нашей компании и воспользоваться наиболее выгодными предложениями по аренде автомобиля в Арабских Эмиратах.

    В нашем распоряжении есть комплекс из почти сотни моделей машин: начиная от автомобилей премиум-класса и заканчивая недорогими и экономичными «лошадками». С помощью удобного интерфейса на сайте вы можете заказать авто через интернет и авто будет ожидать вас уже на выходе из аэропорта!

  25. PatrickBoali says:

    Недостаточно беспокоиться о самочувствии родного ребенка – следует предпринимать уверенные действия для его защиты. Причем доверить данный вопрос можно только лишь опытным профессиональным врачам.
    На сегодняшний день прием личного доктора по карману далеко не многим гражданам Российской федерации. А отправляться по любому вопросу в поликлинику, выстаивать долгие очереди и подвергать малыша риску заразиться вирусами от других детей – тоже не вариант.
    К счастью, различные частные клиники предлагают программу Детского Добровольного Медицинского Обслуживания (ДМО), которая позволяет за незначительную сумму денег получить полис на годовое обслуживание у педиатров.
    К сожалению, не многие люди осведомлены о такой услуге и не перестают лечиться народными методами, ждут длительное время в очередях и отдают большие деньги за приемы частных педиатров.
    А программа Добровольного Медицинского Обслуживания для детей позволяет:
    ” Бесплатно получить больничный лист по уходу за ребенком;
    ” Бесплатно обследоваться у персональных врачей педиатров;
    ” Бесплатно или со скидкой осуществлять лечебные процедуры и диагностику;
    ” Лечить малыша сразу, качественно и без очередей.
    Чтобы ознакомиться со списком клиник и условиями оказания услуг достаточно вбить в поиск Яндекса или Google фразу: “Добровольное Медицинское Обслуживание”. После этого следует выбрать понравившуюся клинику и оформить договор.


  26. Hector61 says:

    If there is harmonious passion, you should be doing looking for yourself right on occasion – journey by as much stop during yourself as you can. Essays career development plan part 1. This means contacting a professional official statement criticism serving to help you with your papers. This i believe essays there is no god. This is near doing yourself a favor and letting us do the work in favour of you while you join in move backwards withdraw from and relax.

  27. Lionel92 says:

    People commit crime for selfish reason essay Role of journalism in society essays Writing an introduction to a reflective essay Jhumpa lahiri interpreter of maladies essay Alcohol should be banned essay Persuasive essay on oedipus the king

  28. WillieIcolo says:

    пвх подставки – брелок пвх с логотипом, брелок пвх с логотипом.

  29. David says:

    Shop around and buy online: Figures show that many people simply renew their current policies without shopping around. The internet makes it easy to compare prices from different insurers, so why not take advantage of this? Plus, you'll usually get a discount of 10% or more just for buying your policy online. find out best best healthcare tips and products with wide variety of famous brands in cheap rates at healthcare in pakistan

  30. EfimovITEVY says:

    В наши дни трактор считается совершенно обычной машинкой для сельского хозяйства, которую можно найти на полях практически любой страны планеты.

    Однако для своего периода трактор явился сравнительно революционным изобретением, и считается одним из “китов”, предвосхитивших НТР.

    Благодаря внедрению механических средств обработки грунта, миллионы людей освободились от изнурительного физического труда в поле, а эффективность сельского хозяйства возросла в десятки раз всего за 10 лет.

    И очередная эра в производстве тракторов, по словам администратора сайта trak174.ru, плавно стартовала тогда, когда был создан и доведён до ума двигатель внутреннего сгорания и у них есть все, в том числе исцепление т 170

    В наше время трактора и оригинальные комплектующие к ним продаются в любом населённом пункте РФ. Стоит хороший трактор не слишком много: позволить его сможет любой фермер средней руки.

Leave a Reply